雅思大作文批改實錄之孩子犯錯應否懲罰

雅思大作文批改實錄之孩子犯錯應否懲罰，很多同學對于這個問題有疑問和不解，那么下面就跟著中國教育在線的小編詳細了解一下吧。

題目

When children make mistakes, they should be punished. Do you think so? How should they be punished?

學生習作

The issue about punishment on children has always been discussed in these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree with the opinion that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although some slight problems still exist.

The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but notto punish them.

To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

評分：5.5

整體評價：文章基本按照題目要求，完成了題目要求的各項內(nèi)容。觀點也比較清楚，即對兒童的懲罰是必要的，但同時也有一定危險，因此，應該注意懲罰的方法。詞匯有一定幅度，但不少地方使用不準確。作者做出了使用復雜句的努力，雖然多數(shù)時候都沒有完全正確。

主要問題：(1)有些觀點發(fā)展不夠充分，沒有提供足夠證據(jù);(2)語法錯誤較多，個別地方是大錯誤，影響了讀者的理解。

建議：(1)進一步提高句子寫作能力，盡量消除句子中的重大語法錯誤;(2)構(gòu)思的時候應更嚴密，每一個觀點都要有足夠的證據(jù)去支持。

逐句修訂及說明

第1段

The issue about punishment on children has always been discussed in these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree with the opinion that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although some slight problems still exist.

修改： The issue about punishment of children has always been discussed these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although kinds of punishment that parents and teachers are allowed to use ought to be more carefully considered.

評改說明：(1) I strongly agree with the opinion that 是累贅表達，可簡化為I strongly agree that; (2) although some slight problems still exist 的意義所指模糊，應該明確指出到底是什么問題。第一段的最后一句話往往統(tǒng)領全文觀點，應該盡可能將自己的觀點表達明確。根據(jù)下文，你實際上是想表達 我同意應該給孩子懲罰，但至于懲罰的方式，則應該小心選擇，因此修改文將此明確出來。

第2段

The reason why punishment seems to be a must is that this is one of the most efficient method to teach the kids what is right. By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. As a result, children will be afraid of to do such a kind of things, which is of benefit to their future life.

修改：The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can make them understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell more lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

評改說明：(1) seems to be a must 過于口語化，應改為更正式的書面語。雅思寫作中不宜用過于口語的表達，甚至一些縮寫方式都要謹慎使用，比如dont, doesnt, cant, 最好使用它們的完整形式，比如do not, does not, cannot。(2)By criticizing the children who have done something by mistake, they are aware of the danger or wrong of their behaviours. 這句話是句法錯誤，邏輯上，criticize的主語應該是parents and teachers，但在原文中，主語卻變成了they(孩子們)。也就是說，by后面那個動詞的邏輯主語，必須與主句的主語一致。比如：

By doing so, the government can solve the environmental issues.

By working hard, he completed the task three days ahead of schedule.

另外，The children who have done something by mistake的意思是 因為粗心而誤做了什么事情的孩子，實際上，你想表達的卻是犯錯的孩子，應該是 the children who have made mistakes。(3)原文中的幾個意思聯(lián)系非常緊密，我將它們合并成了一句，使表達更為緊密。(4)在本段結(jié)尾，我增加了一句，本句作為例子，進一步證明punishment的作用。(5)第一句中有個細節(jié)改動，我增加了一個詞 probably，使原文的語氣顯得溫和，這是英文的習慣做法，比如：

There are mainly three reasons why this has happened.

Environmental pollution is probably the most serious issue in the world today.

第3段

Although the advantage of punishment is undoubtedly true, the opponents would argue that it might make the kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is that if a kid is beaten by their parents in front of his classmates, he will regard it as humiliation. When he is faced with his classmates, he might feel inactive and being separated from his friends, which may lead to long-term mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

修改：Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. Now Andrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

評改說明：(1)advantage作主語，后面的形容詞表語不用true,應該用obvious,即,the advantage...is obvious。(2)舉例我使用了真名Andrew，原文那樣的舉例不夠具體，舉例最好用具體的人或名。(請參考我的修改)

第4段第5段

According to the above words I have said, punishment is necessary while the methods must be chosen carefully. For example, kids mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his false. Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. Since the aim is to help them grow but notto punish them.

To sum up, children are our future so we should pay more attention to our ways of punishment.

修改：In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them,it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future,so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

修改說明：(1)According to = in light of，在正式論文里使用in light of更合適;(2)這里是在總結(jié)前文，不是在舉例，所以for example不太合適。(3)he can realise his false 表達不清楚，應該是he can realise his mistakes; 而且本句前后邏輯不清楚，即kids'mood must be taken good care of so that he can realise his mistakes, 必須照顧孩子的情緒，他才能意識到他的錯誤?這里邏輯似乎是：在讓孩子意識到自己錯誤的時候，也必須照顧到孩子的情緒(老雅將情緒替換成了自尊，好像更好)。(4)Objective persuasion is recommended while the violent behaviours is banned. 本句表達意思不清楚。建議客觀的勸導，同時禁止暴力行為?這是什么意思呢?是不是說，在懲罰孩子的時候，最好是勸導，而不用暴力?但這個觀點與全文觀點矛盾了，因為前文說必須要懲罰孩子，而這里卻說要用勸導的方法。因此，老雅將此地改為因為懲罰的目的是為了幫助孩子改正錯誤，而不是要懲罰他們，所以建議不要使用任何形式的體罰，這樣前后的邏輯更通順一些。

修改后全文

The issue about punishment of children has always been discussed these days. From my perspective, I strongly agree that punishment can help children realise the difference between right and wrong, although kinds of punishment that parents and teachers are allowed to use ought to be more carefully considered.

The reason why punishment seems necessary is that it is probably the most efficient method to teach kids what is right and what is wrong. By criticizing and punishing children who have made mistakes, parents and teachers can make them understand the dangers or inappropriateness of their behaviours and as a result, they will be afraid of repeating such mistakes, which is undoubtedly beneficial to their future life. Many children, for example, do not tell lies after their parents or teachers have punished them for the first lie they told.

Although the advantages of punishment are rather obvious, it might, as many people would argue, make kids feel inferior to others. A good case in point is my cousin Andrew. Once he did not finish his homework and was beaten by his parents right there at the presence of his classmates. Very much humiliated, he went back to school, feeling inactive and separated from his friends. Now Andrew is still suffering from mental diseases including depression and anxiety.

In light of the discussion above, punishing children for their wrong behaviors is necessary but the methods must be chosen carefully. Children should be made to realize their mistakes, but their self-esteem should be maintained. Since the aim of punishment is to help children mend their ways rather than to punish them,it is therefore desirable not to use physical punishment of any sort. Children are our future,so we must be careful in choosing the right kind of punishment even when we must punish them.

得分：7

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